I have been away too long. I intend on coming back. Soon. With better and feel - good words. Unlike my previous posts, of course.
The Pink Samurai: ..I have a heart..and right now it hurts..
A Very Sick Day
First thing first. I really love you.
Second thing. You told me to move on. Get over it.
How can I? I really do love you..way too much..you’re always on my mind.
But now, you’re behaving so cold. I dont need this. I have enough going on. All I want from you is support. A hug that every things…
The situation is..there’s no word..no word I’m aware of. The burning sensation at the pit of my stomach and the blows from the turning fan above that’s making me quiver. Its the same fan I’ve stared at all day long.
Apart from 6 chapters of The Hunger Games, barely a few morsels of some crappy food and a heap of heavy duty medicines that made most of whatever I just said and did a distant blur.
I’ve never had enough time to think. Today was that day. It was like that of a stock market chart. Where it crashed by the end of the day.
I deteste falling sick.
More so the medicines.
I’m burning on the inside, but cold as ice on the out.
Where’s my stabiliser?
Where are you?
These prescribed drugs make my day easier to get through though. I don’t know what’s happening. Being semi - unconscious is a piece - of - cake to me. Dr. Asrani, you da man.
The faint noises from the tv in the hall, family asking how I feel. Even the one phone call from “my sunshine” is indistinct.
I’m pleased it was this way.
This hurts so bad. Worse than the ache in my head. When someone says let’s not speak anymore..? Its equal to them being dead.
A friend once said “Hold on to the one thing that makes you happy and everything else will work itself out.”
I want that “one thing” RIGHT NOW. its the only thing that makes me joyous. I forget my worries, my aches, my tormented soul retreats.
I cannot not be happy. I feel blood flowing through my veins, reaching every nook and corner of my frail structure. I feel alive and I’m relieved to be there.
I can feel the drug kicking in right now.
My bloodshot eyes need sleep before I begin trying to keep myself busy from tomorrow.
"The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person."
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (x)
Ugh, I’m sorry to double post with two quotes, but he’s dropping another truth bomb here. I hate when people misinterpret 500DOS and think of Summer as some kind of bitch, or, alternately, as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. That’s only how his character saw her. To me, this movie was basically about Nice Guy Syndrome: A guy who thinks he’s just so nice that he’s entitled to the woman he wants, and when she decides she doesn’t want him back, she becomes a bitch, or a whore.
That’s what I’m talking about..Alien feet! Apart from that walking on an almost empty beach without chappals having wind blow through your hair, the sun hitting your skin along with droplets of the sea water is one of the best feelings in the world. Definitely. :-D
So..a few days ago I came across this word. LITOST. Its a Czech word which has no apparent translation. It thoroughly describes how I feel nowadays. Litost, means the agony one feels at the sight of oneself’s misery.
I apologize for whining much. What seems the only way to actually vent it out is writing. I have no idea why I even publish it. Between the sleeps and rickshaw pooling to school with my brothers friends and being discoursed about almost every darned thing I don’t understand whether i must rebel everything or just accept the verifiable truth that this is how life is going to be.
Life as we know it cannot get easier. Can someone tell me the only way of getting through it? Sure, I have a meal on the table, a home and siblings when I get home but seriously where are the things that must make me happy? To make me rejoice that I don’t have to have broody days everyday of the month!? Damn. What I’d give to have my mum cook for me, my father to come back home every evening and tell me about work or give me advices on how to get through my despicable life and other things.
There are times I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. And no one can save me. I can’t figure out what I want, what I am, what I want to be..
The MOST ridiculous part seems that everyone only has pity in store for me. I really do mean everyone. If someone ever does come out with a way to get out of this misery. Please contact me.
"The miserable have no other medicine other than hope"
- Friedrich Nietzche
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option."
Neha. The reason I’m here.
Alright, so..here goes. 3 months and 22 days.
During this time I’ve realized who actually stands by you and actually cares for you. There’s so much I’ve discovered. About myself and other people. And I have come to a conclusion that the world is a VERY mean place. You have gotta buck up. Or else YOU are going down. everyone’s going to find a reason to make life difficult. I do not understand what contentment it provides though.
Nevertheless there are a few gems who actually want to be there. Render to you the fact that you mean something to them and it’s them who give you the inspiration, the strength to go on.. Neha is one of them. I am so glad to have individuals like her. I have no other way to show my gratitude. I hope this does it in a way.
I shall blog soon hopefully.
Over and out. :)
Those are the only ones I really have now. :)